Trust, it's becoming a four letter word

I woke up early today.  Liam was still sleeping.  I got showered and dressed and had plenty of time to get the kids up and ready for daycare so I could let Liam sleep. 

But I didn't.

The last time I did that was when my world came crashing down around me almost a year ago.  The reason I left the kids asleep in their beds is because I figured if he was going to do something, he wouldn't do it when the kids were there.  I don't think he's slipping again, but with the anniversary coming up I didn't want to leave anything to chance.

This has made me realize that I may never be able to trust my husband again, and I don't like it.

Naming

It's getting a little annoying on twitter taking up space explaining which kid I'm talking about.  Because of this, I've decided to give them names. 

From now on, my oldest son, who just turned 8, will be known as Lucas.  My youngest son, who just turned 3, will be known as Ramsay.  While I'm at it, I may as well give my husband a name.  For him I choose Liam. 

These aren't their real names, mind you, but I just wanted to be able to easily refer to them in the future. 

That was fun! 

Not my first time

This isn't the first blog I've ever created.  I've created a few in the past 4 years, they just haven't really stuck.

My biological mother found the first one I created (I can't link to that one, it has my real name in the address - stupid move for someone who wanted to stay anonymous, right?).  She never admitted to finding it, but it's kind of hard to ignore the stats that someone from her town is obsessively checking for an update.  I stopped posting to that one because I wasn't comfortable with her knowing everything that I was going through in regards to meeting her for the first time, and all of the feelings that went along with that.  Also, I kind of felt resentful.  Kind of like "why should she get to share in my private thoughts when she didn't even want me to be a part of her life to begin with."

So, I started another blog.  That one didn't stick either.  This time it was mainly because I lost momentum due to the change and stopped writing.  And, because the free Wordpress account wouldn't let me do some things that blogger would. 

So, I started a third blog.  That one I had to stop posting on because my husband found it.  He doesn't understand why anyone blogs, let alone me.  So, I layed off the blogging for a while.

That's when I started this one.  I'm hoping I've made it anonymous enough that people I don't want to find it won't find it.  Or, if they do, I'm at a point in my life that I don't care.  It's not that I want to say things on this blog that would be hurtful to them, it's just that I'm a pretty introverted person and don't really want the people in my life judging me for what I'm feeling when I write.

Why am I telling you all of this?  I'm telling you this because it's possible you were a reader of one of the other blogs.  If that's the case, some of the things I write on here might seem like a story you've heard before.  I don't want you to think I'm taking someone elses life and making it my own - trust me, no one would want my life it's pretty pathetic.

So, if I know you from the past drop me line and let me know.  If you haven't read any of my other blogs, drop me a line and let me know that too.  I'd like to know who I'm talking to out there.

Anxiety

So, I got stuck in a little bit of a wormhole.  A CPA Exam study wormhole.  A celebrate both kids' birthdays in 4 days wormhole.  Maybe I should really be referring to it as a rabbit hole.

Whatever type of hole it's supposed to be, I finally found my way out.  I've been keeping up to date with Twitter, but finding the time to write a whole post seemed daunting.

Now it's June, and there isn't any CPA Exam testing.  I'll find out at the end of the month whether I passed the three exams I took in this last testing window.  And then, I take my last one on July 1st.  So, June won't be without any studying - unfortunately.

I'm hoping I've passed all of the tests taken so far, so I can get back to my normal life.  Or at least, so I can start really focusing on this move.

Mr. Commoner and I are actually having doubts.  Is this really the right decision?  At first, we'll both have to be working in London, which is a 1.5 hour commute each way on the train.  We are going to be bringing the kids' current babysitter for the first 6 months, but what happens after that?  We'll have to get an actual nanny - but can we really afford that?  Can we trust someone we don't know anything about?  Is being away from the kids for almost 60 hours a week really worth being closer to family?  The cost of living there is also a big factor.  We will be making more, but will it be enough to cover the increased costs? 

We've thought of all of these things before and we were ok with it all.  Now, things are becoming more real and it's getting a little scary.

There are so many unknowns with this move, it just seems safer to stick with what we know.  Has anyone else done something similar?  Do you have any advise?  Help!